self-portrait as a boy scout uniform
official tan uniform top
made of 100% supplex nylon
that does not taper at the waist
blue neckerchief with red and white edges
held together by a silver, three-hole slide
that fits far looser than it used to
straight cut olive green uniform pants
with no room for hips any wider than a boy’s
(they expect nothing else, of course)
frayed canvas belt with faux-gold buckle
embossed with a bsa logo that locks
in the figure of a young man
faded green merit badge sash
spotted with 24 embroidered pictures
twilled far too firm for any pageantry
red shoulder loops and the entirety of boy
scouts of america etched above the right breast
pocket in honor of our march to masculinity
white square knot on a purple patch
set beside a cross pin showing reverence
for being made in the image of the father
khaki dragon patrol patch on the right shoulder
and the numbers 1 and 6 and 2 on the left
as if the troop owns me once again
eagle scout patch on the left breast pocket
and the official medal dangling down from above
proving twice over that i became a man
in the mirror i see a woman in a costume
cross-dressing for a halloween party
to etch a laugh or two out of her friends
this uniform seems strange upon my skin
it used to sting, but now it just feels odd
like someone else wore it those years ago
and yet, my breasts feel firm and so pronounced
bursting against the buttons of the shirt
as if my body knows it must reject this
i think to that invisible little girl
alone within the oklahoma woods
a phantom trapped beneath boy skin
i hope she caught a glimpse of her true face
and felt the gentle buds growing unseen
below the harsh nylon of this tan top
every woman deserves her girlhood
even if she lived it in hiding
Jennessa Hester is a transgender writer and scholar based in Texas. She is a Lambda Literary Fellow in poetry and has been a finalist for the Rhysling Award and Prufer Poetry Prize. Her work has appeared in Strange Horizons, Bellingham Review, Cream City Review, HAD, and elsewhere. Find her online at jennessahester.com
